optimistic,

what will you say if your parents say harsh words that really meant something to you? what will you respond if your parents show that they dont want you anymore? what if your parents say they wanna throw you away & not wanting to care fr you as their children? will you feel hurt? duh ~ only fr those no feelings wont feel th punch. yesterday i met Alvin, fr a bloody less-than-2hours w him. i fcuking spent my time crying talking to him about th relationship we're going through now, i let it all out. i told him i dont love him anymore & im not selfish to let him find someone else to replace me before i leave him. i want him to move on w someone else. i cant be there anymore. we dont have much time together like we used to have. everything is so different now. i wish he could understand but he couldnt. he tried to look cool in front of his friends not to cry, not to make them worry. he love me alot. after meeting him, i went home feeling guilty till now. i send him a few messages that made me cry alone in th bus. i asked him,

"can you remember th last time you kissed me?"
he answered, "at NUH."
"can you remember th last time you wiped my tears?"
he answered, "th time at Marina."
"can you remember th last time you heard me say i love you?"
he answered, "at NUH."
"can you remember th last time i hugged you?"
he answered, "just awhile ago."
th last message i send him was,
"can you remember th old Elly you met last time?"
he answered, "i cant."
& one more i asked,
"is she th same as now?"
he answered, "obviously not."

it made me cry that he can actually remember th sweetest & bitter moments we had together. i missed him now already ): i felt so guilty saying that to him that i didnt love him anymore. i wish i could take back my words. he said he would love me even if i dont love him anymore. so sweeet but im sorry, i dont seem to have th heart to go back again. its really too much fr me. im sorry. then this morning, i woke up slightly later than usual. i rushed to bath & get myself ready fr school. woke my dad up & fcuk it was th worst morning i ever had. he yelled at me fr waking up late & swearing me whatever he thinks it suits me. saying i should be staying Pertapis and not going to school + blahblahblah. i cried abit in th train, i just couldnt take it. i felt like killing myself. i wish i was invincible. th pain was too much i had to let it go somehow. in school, i couldnt concentrate but to think all th negative things that i planned to do. i really cant take it anymore. i cried during recess when BestGirls asked me what was wrong. i thought i could hold my tears back not to let them know but then i cant so i let it all out. i pity myself. i hate myself. theres a quote saying, 'Love yourself first before loving someone else'. common but i cant seem to apply it on my life. hais, what should i do? God, please give me strength to overcome this. i need you now );